Turn on, tune in, drop out. Timothy Leary would be proud. The kids gather in groups most afternoons outside Starbucks. Their heads are bowed to their phones, furiously text messaging and they barely speak to each other. One day I just may do it. Walk up to them, take their phones out of their busy hands and make them talk to each other. Is your BFF here? Then have a conversation with her in person.
An entirely different language structure has emerged in this rushed world.
There have been many articles about texting slowly eroding children's vocabulary and linguistic abilities but now there is an actual estimate given. According to Jean Gross, England's first children's communication czar, (how's that for a title?) children are communicating in abbreviated text speak and only utilize a vocabulary of 800 words on a daily basis. With fewer words at their disposal it is going to have far reaching repercussions later in life. Nothing to LOL at. Perhaps it was inevitable that people would start to communicate in acronyms. The internet itself spawned 'www' which is the only acronym that takes more time to articulate than the words the letters stand for.
A friend of mine lamented that children aren't focusing on penmanship in school. Who is writing letters anymore that penmanship needs to be mastered? It's not just children though. An e mail I received from another adult's phone was littered with so many shortened words and acronyms that it actually took me longer to read because I am not proficient in the new text speak that is masquerading as language. "R u going 2 b thr? C u l8r!" What? I eventually figured it out but in this multi tasking world does it really save people that much precious time to not spell out an entire word? Are you so pressed to shave seconds off your day that the word 'to' needs to be abbreviated? The old PBS show Zoom had a made up language that we all tried to master when we were kids. "Hub I frub ends. Dub oo yub oo knub oo whub ut thub is ub is?" The idea was to insert 'ub' in front of vowels to 'Zoom speak.' The previous statement would be "Hi friends. Do you know what this is?" At least Zoom's tongue twisters required some creative thinking.
The young adults who are only using their arsenal of 800 words are supposedly doomed when they enter the workforce according to these studies that have estimated young people can't string an acceptable sentence together with adjectives and adverbs. But if their parents are adopting the same clipped communication won't everyone meet somewhere in the middle eventually?
Years ago Kentucky Fried Chicken came up with their 'new and improved' KFC Express. Faster fast food. Is it more important to do something quickly or do something well?
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
out with the old and in with the new
The Christmas tree stands illuminated in the same corner location in the living room year after year. That's right. Not the politically correct 'holiday tree.' That's what it was called in our house when I grew up and that is what I continue to call it. If there is some gnarly branch or bare spot that I didn't notice when we purchased the tree I can just turn the unsightly side to the corner. Problem solved. The tree's corner location also affords me the opportunity to end the season with a ceremonial shove out the window. It has an extremely cathartic effect.
January brings some dreary days with the first month of the calendar year. Sorry to anyone who has a January 24 birthday since a British survey deemed it the 'most depressing day of the year.' The argument is that it coincides with when all the holiday bills fill the mailbox to capacity. It is the equivalent of a financial holiday hangover.
The turn of events of last January has changed the way that I will forever look at Canadian geese. The birds have always been the pesky nuisance of many a park keeper and they occasionally fly in a squawking triangle over the house. But last January 15 they were enough of a force to accidentally fly into the motor of an airliner and take it out of the skies with an emergency landing in the icy waters of the Hudson river. It was immediately dubbed the 'miracle on the Hudson' but after word of the quick thinking pilot and his calm instructions and maneuvers were revealed it seemed as if we should give more credit to Captain Chesley B. Sullenberger III for pulling off a miracle. His response to the situation meant that Flight 1549 became many stories to many people but they all had the same happy ending. It was a miracle that the plane floated but it was the quick thinking and response of Captain Sullenberger that had the plane come to its safe resting spot in the river. 'Mastery of the Hudson' perhaps.
On January 15 of this year the passengers gathered on the anniversary to reconnect and share stories. They sailed out to the very spot where that plane became the common thread in their lives and they toasted each other with champagne and the intentionally ironic choice of Grey Goose. After the events in the Hudson last year the jokes sprouted about ordering 'two shots of Grey Goose and a splash of water.' Now the King of Cocktails, Don DeGroff, has delivered 'The Sully' in a recipe in The New York Times which is essentially a Manhattan with a float of champagne on top. Someone chartered a small plane to fly over the Hudson to mark the anniversary as the passengers celebrated on their boat. Early into the flight though the plane was forced to, wait for it, make an emergency landing in the nearby Staten Island landfill. The banner the plane intended to display read "If you died today would you go to heaven or hell? John 14:16.' Pull out your best shaker and stirrer, mix your self a 'Sully' and ponder that thought.
January brings some dreary days with the first month of the calendar year. Sorry to anyone who has a January 24 birthday since a British survey deemed it the 'most depressing day of the year.' The argument is that it coincides with when all the holiday bills fill the mailbox to capacity. It is the equivalent of a financial holiday hangover.
The turn of events of last January has changed the way that I will forever look at Canadian geese. The birds have always been the pesky nuisance of many a park keeper and they occasionally fly in a squawking triangle over the house. But last January 15 they were enough of a force to accidentally fly into the motor of an airliner and take it out of the skies with an emergency landing in the icy waters of the Hudson river. It was immediately dubbed the 'miracle on the Hudson' but after word of the quick thinking pilot and his calm instructions and maneuvers were revealed it seemed as if we should give more credit to Captain Chesley B. Sullenberger III for pulling off a miracle. His response to the situation meant that Flight 1549 became many stories to many people but they all had the same happy ending. It was a miracle that the plane floated but it was the quick thinking and response of Captain Sullenberger that had the plane come to its safe resting spot in the river. 'Mastery of the Hudson' perhaps.
On January 15 of this year the passengers gathered on the anniversary to reconnect and share stories. They sailed out to the very spot where that plane became the common thread in their lives and they toasted each other with champagne and the intentionally ironic choice of Grey Goose. After the events in the Hudson last year the jokes sprouted about ordering 'two shots of Grey Goose and a splash of water.' Now the King of Cocktails, Don DeGroff, has delivered 'The Sully' in a recipe in The New York Times which is essentially a Manhattan with a float of champagne on top. Someone chartered a small plane to fly over the Hudson to mark the anniversary as the passengers celebrated on their boat. Early into the flight though the plane was forced to, wait for it, make an emergency landing in the nearby Staten Island landfill. The banner the plane intended to display read "If you died today would you go to heaven or hell? John 14:16.' Pull out your best shaker and stirrer, mix your self a 'Sully' and ponder that thought.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Should old acquaintance be forgot?
Here it comes. 'Start your diet.' 'Drop the holiday pounds in the new year.' Does everyone really lose all sense of control at the end of the year when it comes to indulgences? Or does it happen all year with many things? A new year and a time to reflect. There is debate as to whether this year, 2010, is the first year of a new decade or the last year of a decade gone by. Either way, time is moving forward but pause a moment to look back and take stock of lessons learned. Did you discover a new author, find a great vacation destination or master a new recipe? What will you remember about '09? Let's review all that was surprising, not so surprising, ridiculous and creepy about the last calendar year.
10. Ex senator John Edwards taught us that if your wife is terminally ill and there is a woman that you supposedly had an affair with who has a child who looks exactly like you it is probably best to admit paternity sooner rather than later. The pro bono lawyer turned out to be a snake oil salesman in disguise. Maybe his scorned wife could heal the family and move on by practicing 'resilience' instead of making it the title of her new book and hitting the talk show circuit.
9. Thank you to former governor Eliot Spitzer for introducing the world to Ashley Dupre. Those of us who don't know how to keep our husbands happy now have her 'advice' column in The New York Post to turn to for guidance. We finally have all the answers to our burning questions on relationship bliss, from the always helpful call girl perspective, now that Robert Murdoch's newest employee is on the beat.
8. Ex Governor Rob Blagojevich showed us that if you keep stating something as a belief long enough you may be able to make it become true. Or not. And if your credibility is still on shaky ground it is a good idea to try and get on a reality television show like 'I am a celebrity.....get me out of here.' When a federal judge informs you that you can't leave the country to participate it's always handy to have one of those supportive political spouses to take your place.
7. Senator John Ensign of Nevada demonstrated that if you have an affair with your best friend's wife, both of whom work for you, it is perfectly acceptable to continue to pursue her after the friend confronts you. And confronts you again. No, really you have to stop now.
6. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's 'soul mate' was in a more geographically desirable locale in order to hide all the way in Argentina. When the relationship was exposed he apologized in a speech where he states "I am sorry for hurting her, my children and my wife." The mistress should never have top billing in the heartfelt statement to your constituents. Did he run that past anybody before making a public apology?
5. Bernie Madoff showed us what a human being looks like who has no moral compass whatsoever. When he wasn't cheating little old ladies and entire families out of their life savings he was cheating in the old fashioned sense of the word on his wife.
4. David Letterman found out what it was like to become the one on the receiving end of late night jokes in regard to your personal life. What could it have been like to be a woman in that working environment if you weren't one of the many women involved with him? How was it that he was praised for having 'class' for addressing the issue so quickly?
3. Michael Jackson's sad, strange life came to an end at the hands of a doctor who administered powerful narcotics for the star to get some sleep. A stunning example of having enough money and no one to say no to you, ever.
2. We learned a new term this year. 'Octomom.' All the people out there who are struggling to finance the birth of one child, whose insurance doesn't cover the costly procedures, collectively thank this delusional woman and reckless doctor. Do the math. 1 seemingly unstable, unemployed, single mother + 1 irresponsible 'doctor' + 6 children + eight babies = millions of people who may never have insurance companies start to defray the cost of the dream of having a child.
1. You can hear the sponsors closing their doors and pulling the plugs all around us. 2010 is the year that we found out that Mrs. Tiger Woods wields a mean golf club herself. Be careful who your kids' role models are. Did you think that the name Tiger Woods would be synonymous with a bevy of porn stars at the start of 2009? Well, it sure is now.
Drink a cup of kindness to days of auld lang syne!
10. Ex senator John Edwards taught us that if your wife is terminally ill and there is a woman that you supposedly had an affair with who has a child who looks exactly like you it is probably best to admit paternity sooner rather than later. The pro bono lawyer turned out to be a snake oil salesman in disguise. Maybe his scorned wife could heal the family and move on by practicing 'resilience' instead of making it the title of her new book and hitting the talk show circuit.
9. Thank you to former governor Eliot Spitzer for introducing the world to Ashley Dupre. Those of us who don't know how to keep our husbands happy now have her 'advice' column in The New York Post to turn to for guidance. We finally have all the answers to our burning questions on relationship bliss, from the always helpful call girl perspective, now that Robert Murdoch's newest employee is on the beat.
8. Ex Governor Rob Blagojevich showed us that if you keep stating something as a belief long enough you may be able to make it become true. Or not. And if your credibility is still on shaky ground it is a good idea to try and get on a reality television show like 'I am a celebrity.....get me out of here.' When a federal judge informs you that you can't leave the country to participate it's always handy to have one of those supportive political spouses to take your place.
7. Senator John Ensign of Nevada demonstrated that if you have an affair with your best friend's wife, both of whom work for you, it is perfectly acceptable to continue to pursue her after the friend confronts you. And confronts you again. No, really you have to stop now.
6. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's 'soul mate' was in a more geographically desirable locale in order to hide all the way in Argentina. When the relationship was exposed he apologized in a speech where he states "I am sorry for hurting her, my children and my wife." The mistress should never have top billing in the heartfelt statement to your constituents. Did he run that past anybody before making a public apology?
5. Bernie Madoff showed us what a human being looks like who has no moral compass whatsoever. When he wasn't cheating little old ladies and entire families out of their life savings he was cheating in the old fashioned sense of the word on his wife.
4. David Letterman found out what it was like to become the one on the receiving end of late night jokes in regard to your personal life. What could it have been like to be a woman in that working environment if you weren't one of the many women involved with him? How was it that he was praised for having 'class' for addressing the issue so quickly?
3. Michael Jackson's sad, strange life came to an end at the hands of a doctor who administered powerful narcotics for the star to get some sleep. A stunning example of having enough money and no one to say no to you, ever.
2. We learned a new term this year. 'Octomom.' All the people out there who are struggling to finance the birth of one child, whose insurance doesn't cover the costly procedures, collectively thank this delusional woman and reckless doctor. Do the math. 1 seemingly unstable, unemployed, single mother + 1 irresponsible 'doctor' + 6 children + eight babies = millions of people who may never have insurance companies start to defray the cost of the dream of having a child.
1. You can hear the sponsors closing their doors and pulling the plugs all around us. 2010 is the year that we found out that Mrs. Tiger Woods wields a mean golf club herself. Be careful who your kids' role models are. Did you think that the name Tiger Woods would be synonymous with a bevy of porn stars at the start of 2009? Well, it sure is now.
Drink a cup of kindness to days of auld lang syne!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
yule be glad you did
Wrapping paper, food and everything eggnog. Now that the end of the year is quickly approaching the endless lists appear to close out the year, and at the end of this week, a decade. No one seems to have coined the right catch phrase for the last ten years yet. Think of what has changed since the ball dropped in Times Square and people waited for the year 2000 to cause mayhem with computers and ATMs. People horded food and money in anticipation for Y2K to cripple systems that wouldn't recognize a year that did not begin with '19.'
What did the word google mean in 2000? It certainly didn't earn a capital letter yet. 'Text' referred to words in a book and not something that could fatally damage a relationship. I and M were two letters that only appeared together with an apostrophe sandwiched between them and not yet another way to stay in constant contact with someone. Now try this. Google the word kindle and see what you get. Not the definition of a word that involves emotion but an electronic device to read without the hassle of an actual book. Advancements? Depends on who you ask.
I have a picture of a group of friends who came over for the first season finale of American Idol in May 2002. We had wine and panini and a huge tossed salad with the first bit of lettuce from the garden. There were different opinions on who we thought would win and if we could have put our younger selves through such intense scrutiny as entertainment. The picture was taken with a camera that had film that was developed at the drop-off kiosk at Costco that disappeared several years ago when I looked to develop my latest rolls and was informed by some surly woman that "everyone uses digital cameras now." I wrote on the back of the picture 'Sam, Di and me watching American Idol.' Apparently, I had the forethought to scribble 'reality tv' in parentheses because I might not remember what the genre was. Now the television listings are filled with anyone willing to let the cameras roll and capture the range of behavior for their fifteen minutes of fame. A father in Colorado led the local police to believe that his son was accidentally carried away in a balloon in the hope of recharging the family's chance at a reality show and a lovely looking woman in a sari, along with her husband, crashed a White House dinner. Why? She was being considered for 'The Real Housewives of DC.' At this rate kids are probably going to question Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny earlier in childhood because none of these characters have their own reality shows so they can't be 'real.' "Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Did you catch his show last week when Mariah Carey visited him in the North Pole and let everyone know when her new album would drop?" Take a trip back through the last ten years. Think back to when the Food Network had food and MTV had music. Really.
What did the word google mean in 2000? It certainly didn't earn a capital letter yet. 'Text' referred to words in a book and not something that could fatally damage a relationship. I and M were two letters that only appeared together with an apostrophe sandwiched between them and not yet another way to stay in constant contact with someone. Now try this. Google the word kindle and see what you get. Not the definition of a word that involves emotion but an electronic device to read without the hassle of an actual book. Advancements? Depends on who you ask.
I have a picture of a group of friends who came over for the first season finale of American Idol in May 2002. We had wine and panini and a huge tossed salad with the first bit of lettuce from the garden. There were different opinions on who we thought would win and if we could have put our younger selves through such intense scrutiny as entertainment. The picture was taken with a camera that had film that was developed at the drop-off kiosk at Costco that disappeared several years ago when I looked to develop my latest rolls and was informed by some surly woman that "everyone uses digital cameras now." I wrote on the back of the picture 'Sam, Di and me watching American Idol.' Apparently, I had the forethought to scribble 'reality tv' in parentheses because I might not remember what the genre was. Now the television listings are filled with anyone willing to let the cameras roll and capture the range of behavior for their fifteen minutes of fame. A father in Colorado led the local police to believe that his son was accidentally carried away in a balloon in the hope of recharging the family's chance at a reality show and a lovely looking woman in a sari, along with her husband, crashed a White House dinner. Why? She was being considered for 'The Real Housewives of DC.' At this rate kids are probably going to question Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny earlier in childhood because none of these characters have their own reality shows so they can't be 'real.' "Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Did you catch his show last week when Mariah Carey visited him in the North Pole and let everyone know when her new album would drop?" Take a trip back through the last ten years. Think back to when the Food Network had food and MTV had music. Really.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
tell tale squirrel
I am paranoid every time the tree branches scrape against the window. The reason is because I had not one, but two crafty squirrels find their way into the house last month. I was standing at the kitchen sink watering and pruning some plants when I heard scratching noises which seemed to be coming from inside the wall. I shut the water off and stood there following the sound as it made its way further along what seemed like an endless Habitrail in my moss colored walls. I was trying to figure out if I was indeed hearing what I thought was an animal tunneling through the walls of the kitchen when the dog wandered in and tilted his head to one side. Then he reared up on his back legs and let out a bark like only a seventy five pound mutt can give when protecting his damsel in distress. That's my boy. Once the husband was home there were no noises anymore and he tried to reassure me by selling the 'it was probably the trees against the window' story but my faithful friend and I knew better. That night and the following morning I kept thinking that I was periodically hearing the scamper of something in the walls. Edgar Allen Poe couldn't have crafted the scene any better.
Calling exterminators was like trying to close a real estate deal. "We will come at night but you'll have to pay double." "We'll set a trap but no one can come to check it until Monday" because my squirrel showed up on Friday. "We'll come if it is in the attic but not a wall." One of the exterminators nonchalantly suggested simply taking down the wall.
The next day Alvin the chipmunk, or whoever was in there, was back and now it sounded like it was actually in the cabinets. Or maybe it spent the night and was just now making a late start to the morning. Either way it was 'check out' time.
I woke up the dog who was curled up in his favorite barrel chair and got him to reluctantly come with me to the other side of the house. He was curled up in a room adjacent to the dining room and kitchen and this had the potential, after chasing many a squirrel up a tree in the yard, to be the one that didn't get away. I closed the wooden and glass paned door to the dining room and placed the call to the husband at work to get the ball rolling with the exterminator and he assured me once again that there was no way this persistent critter was going to get into the house. As he spoke I got to see who was making all the racket as a squirrel appeared to look through the glass paneled door. It took one look at me and then frantically started to dart about the dining room. This is when it pays off to have nice neighbors as I got mine to stop raking leaves and come and help me show this bushy tailed intruder the door.
Squirrel number two came in through a hole in the drain pipe above the windows in the den. Fortunately, when he was out gathering nuts we were able to plug the hole and we have not heard any more suspect scratching. As I rounded our corner in the car yesterday I passed a squirrel who never made it to the other side of the street. I wonder if it was one of the guests in the walls? Well, he won't be going anywhere now. The complete opposite series of events of an Edgar Allen Poe classic.
Calling exterminators was like trying to close a real estate deal. "We will come at night but you'll have to pay double." "We'll set a trap but no one can come to check it until Monday" because my squirrel showed up on Friday. "We'll come if it is in the attic but not a wall." One of the exterminators nonchalantly suggested simply taking down the wall.
The next day Alvin the chipmunk, or whoever was in there, was back and now it sounded like it was actually in the cabinets. Or maybe it spent the night and was just now making a late start to the morning. Either way it was 'check out' time.
I woke up the dog who was curled up in his favorite barrel chair and got him to reluctantly come with me to the other side of the house. He was curled up in a room adjacent to the dining room and kitchen and this had the potential, after chasing many a squirrel up a tree in the yard, to be the one that didn't get away. I closed the wooden and glass paned door to the dining room and placed the call to the husband at work to get the ball rolling with the exterminator and he assured me once again that there was no way this persistent critter was going to get into the house. As he spoke I got to see who was making all the racket as a squirrel appeared to look through the glass paneled door. It took one look at me and then frantically started to dart about the dining room. This is when it pays off to have nice neighbors as I got mine to stop raking leaves and come and help me show this bushy tailed intruder the door.
Squirrel number two came in through a hole in the drain pipe above the windows in the den. Fortunately, when he was out gathering nuts we were able to plug the hole and we have not heard any more suspect scratching. As I rounded our corner in the car yesterday I passed a squirrel who never made it to the other side of the street. I wonder if it was one of the guests in the walls? Well, he won't be going anywhere now. The complete opposite series of events of an Edgar Allen Poe classic.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
if i don't see you have a great holiday
'Tis the season for the ubiquitous 'hey, if I don't see you have a great holiday.' There are some people that I want to point out the fact that we both know we won't see each other again before the holidays so let's go ahead and commit to the good wishes here and now. Holiday decorations can reflect much about the resident dwellers. Some people favor simple boughs of greens and some haul out the holly and then some for the biggest and brightest display they can pull together. There is a mammoth house on my route home that had a truck of workers milling about taking Christmas decorations bigger than the workers themselves down a wooden ramp on the back of a delivery truck last week. There were displays of lights being strung in tall pine trees, dancing ballerinas twirling on their bases, battery operated figures skating and a sled that could easily accommodate the portliest of Santas. There's no place like home for the holidays and the bill for the workers to create the festival of decorations outside. I pulled in the driveway and I could hear my dog barking at my neighbor who was on his roof hanging sparkling lights from the porch with his aluminum ladder leaning against the house. Just the way it ought to be.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
eye of the tiger
The file for 'you can't make this stuff up' just got another entry. It does the work for you. Tiger Woods' clean living image was forever tarnished when word of the dreaded 'other woman' surfaced after his wife's heroic attempts to extricate her husband from the driver's seat of his crumpled SUV by smashing the back window of the vehicle with one of his golf clubs. Before you could say 'fore' the affair to remember became something else all together with the 19th letter of the alphabet. "Affair' became 'affairs'. Plural. Millions of dollars from NIKE rode on Mr Woods' perceived perfect image and their three word slogan of Just Do It. He certainly lived up to that part of the contract. Maybe a better slogan for the kids would be Just Do It; Or Not.
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